Tag: death

This Chapter Turned Stabby

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Judges Chapter 12

After Jephthah sacrificed his daughter, the Ephraimites were none too happy with him, so they told him so. After all, it was the second time now that they were excluded from the battlefield. Apparently they didn’t answer the call fast enough or something. Well, this turned a bit stabby, I would say.

5Then the Gileadites took the fords of the Jordan against the Ephraimites. Whenever one of the fugitives of Ephraim said, “Let me go over,” the men of Gilead would say to him, “Are you an Ephraimite?” When he said, “No,” 6they said to him, “Then say Shibboleth,” and he said, “Sibboleth,” for he could not pronounce it right. Then they seized him and killed him at the fords of the Jordan. Forty‐two thousand of the Ephraimites fell at that time.

Brettler, Marc; Newsom, Carol; Perkins, Pheme. The New Oxford Annotated Bible with Apocrypha: New Revised Standard Version (p. 383). Oxford University Press. Kindle Edition.

After Jephthah judged Israel for six years, he died and was buried at Gilead. He was followed by Ibzan who had thirty sons and thirty daughters who, if I read this accurately, he traded to another clan for thirty girls for his sons. This sounds like a movie, but with fewer brides and brothers. Then Elon (not that one) judged and died. Then Abdon ruled and…

14He had forty sons and thirty grandsons, who rode on seventy donkeys; he judged Israel eight years.

Brettler, Marc; Newsom, Carol; Perkins, Pheme. The New Oxford Annotated Bible with Apocrypha: New Revised Standard Version (p. 383). Oxford University Press. Kindle Edition.

Somehow I picture all these sons and grandsons on donkeys 24/7, never dismounting and walking in lockstep. I am looking at articles about humor in the Bible, because there’s has to be some in here, although it’s probably only funny if you were there. Anyway, that’s all for Chapter 12. The next few chapters deal with one of the more famous characters in this book…Hallelujah!

I’m Not Judging

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Judges Chapter 1

There’s a lot going on in this first chapter. Joshua died and the Israelites are given kingdoms to destroy by God and things seem to be going well. Judah and his brother Simeon destroyed kingdoms in their allotted territories. At one point, the king of one of the kingdoms got away, but he was captured and his thumbs and big toes were cut off. This is because he did the same thing to many other kings.

The people of Judah took Jerusalem, killed all the inhabitants and burned the city. Caleb offered his daughter to the man who would defeat Kiriath-sepher. Caleb’s younger brother, Othaniel, defeated the city. Ew. She then convinced Caleb to give her Upper and Lower Gulloth.

Judah and Simeon took the hill country, but they couldn’t chase the people on the plains away because they had iron chariots. So, is iron God’s kryptonite? The Benjaminites were unable to drive out the Jebusites from Jerusalem, so there they stayed.

The tribe of Joseph went up against Bethel, got some cooperation from a man who showed him the way into town, so they let him go and he went to live in the land of the Hittites. The rest of the tribes didn’t do so well as they were unable to take any of the kingdoms that they came up against. Joseph did come to the rescue of the Danites and enslaved the Amorites.

So here we have a bit of everything. Victory, defeat, marrying a niece, God’s weakness to iron, and a hero in Joseph. Things are going to get a lot more insane before this book is done.

It’s Like Time Stood Still

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Joshua Chapter 10

Here we come to one of the parts of Bible that apologists will point to as some sort of proof of a miracle. Five kings decide to attack Gibeon because they made peace with Israel. The Gibeonites called upon Joshua to help. They slaughtered the Amorites and God killed even more with hailstones.

12On the day when the LORD gave the Amorites over to the Israelites, Joshua spoke to the LORD; and he said in the sight of Israel,

“Sun, stand still at Gibeon, and Moon, in the valley of Aijalon.”

13And the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, until the nation took vengeance on their enemies.

Is this not written in the Book of Jashar? The sun stopped in midheaven, and did not hurry to set for about a whole day.

Bibles, Harper . NRSV Bible with the Apocrypha (p. 528). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

OK, let’s break this down: In order for the sun to stop in the sky, the earth must stop rotating. That would be catastrophic to say the least. Also, the length of a day is measured by the transit of the sun across the sky, so if the sun hung in the sky for a day or so, then… it was one day when it set. I have heard apologist Ray Comfort call this “the only time in recorded history that the sun stopped in the sky”. Except, this isn’t recorded history according to many, many, MANY biblical scholars.

This could all be metaphor, but we’ll never know because this poem was written in the Book of Jashar (or Jasher) which is a book that has been lost. There are some who tried to claim that they found the book, but they were discovered to be forgeries.

The five kings escaped, but they hid in a cave and were sealed in until the Israelites destroyed Makkedah. Then the kings were brought out of the cave and great mercy was… oh who am I kidding They were killed and their bodies hung from trees. 

I’m not going to go into any more detail and just say that Joshua and the Israelites did just as God commanded and much blood was spilled. And to think, I was glad to get to this book.

Breaking The Law?

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Joshua Chapter 7

Joshua will face his first loss as the leader of the Israelites and it will be because of a man named Achan. You see, Achan took some things that didn’t belong to him and, well, we’ll discuss that soon. Anyway, Ai should have been a quick and easy battle, except that the Israelites that went to fight got chased away and a few dozen were killed. That’s the result of Achan’s sin.

It turns out that God knew that somebody took some of the devoted things from Jericho, but he didn’t seem to know who exactly, so he had each tribe stand before him and he narrowed it down from there. Achan confessed to coveting the pretty things that he took and messengers were sent to seize them. Now is where things start to get a bit muddy for me.

24Then Joshua and all Israel with him took Achan son of Zerah, with the silver, the mantle, and the bar of gold, with his sons and daughters, with his oxen, donkeys, and sheep, and his tent and all that he had; and they brought them up to the Valley of Achor.

Bibles, Harper . NRSV Bible with the Apocrypha (p. 521). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

So, all of his possessions and family were brought with him…

25Joshua said, “Why did you bring trouble on us? The LORD is bringing trouble on you today.” And all Israel stoned him to death; they burned them with fire, cast stones on them, 26and raised over him a great heap of stones that remains to this day. Then the LORD turned from his burning anger. Therefore that place to this day is called the Valley of Achor.

Bibles, Harper . NRSV Bible with the Apocrypha (p. 521). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

So, the way I’m reading this is that Achan was stoned to death, but then his body along with his daughters, cattle, and the things he stole were burned and covered in stones. If that’s the case, then this violates the law given in Deuteronomy 24:16.

Deu 16Parents shall not be put to death for their children, nor shall children be put to death for their parents; only for their own crimes may persons be put to death.

Bibles, Harper . NRSV Bible with the Apocrypha (p. 474). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

This shows the obvious inconsistencies and the lack of clarity in the Bible. There is nothing stated that the children were involved in this affront to God, so it looks like the author of this chapter was unaware that the author of Deuteronomy had actually included that law. I think this is a great example of how we know that this book wasn’t written by an all-knowing, all-powerful entity. Such ambiguities wouldn’t exist in this book. That’s my two cents.

Deuteronomy Chapters 33 & 34

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Moses gives his final blessing to Israel and it’s a review of the tribes of Israel and a description of each, which is nearly identical to Genesis 49, except that Simeon and Issachar are missing, so only ten tribes are listed and blessed. Simeon was combined with Judah, but I can’t seem to find what happened to Issachar.

I am going to let my favorite Twitter/X source explain this in a thread…

Unfortunately, I lose his services after this post because he only talked about the Torah. Go follow him anyway because he is knowledgeable.

So essentially, it’s nearly identical to Genesis 49, except that it’s now about the tribes and not Jacob’s children. There’s really not much else for me to say about it. It’s another poem in as many chapters, and others can explain it much better than I can.

OK, let’s wrap up this book and this section. Chapter 34 is about the death and burial of Moses. Moses goes up Mount Nebo so that he can see the land that Lord has given his people, but as we have learned ad nauseam in this book, he will not be allowed to enter. Mention is made of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and God’s promise to them to give them the land for their descendants.

Moses dies and is buried in the valley Moab, but nobody knows where his burial place is. He died at 120 and the people Israel mourned for thirty days.

If Moses truly wrote all of the Pentateuch, this chapter would certainly be a feat since it ends a month after he died. Of course, “the most humble man to ever live” must have written about himself:

10Never since has there arisen a prophet in Israel like Moses, whom the LORD knew face to face. 11He was unequaled for all the signs and wonders that the LORD sent him to perform in the land of Egypt, against Pharaoh and all his servants and his entire land, 12and for all the mighty deeds and all the terrifying displays of power that Moses performed in the sight of all Israel.

Bibles, Harper . NRSV Bible with the Apocrypha (p. 502). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

Yeah, Moses definitely wrote his own obituary. That tracks.

So here I am, finally, at the end of the Pentateuch. I am going to jump right into Joshua starting next week, but I am also thinking about doing Psalm Sunday which is kind of self-explanatory. I may do that with all of the writings instead of treating them like the chronology.

Deuteronomy Chapter 24

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Note to self: Update Biblical Marriage List

This book is getting hectic now. It’s just listing rule after rule as if the author is racing to meet a deadline (kind of like I’m doing right now). I’m thinking about just listing the laws and commenting.

Marriage and divorce in the Bible are weird. I’m not sure Christians should really point to this book to show examples of marriage. In this section, if a man dislikes something about his wife, and he finds something objectionable about her (no examples given) he can just write a certificate of divorce, put it in her hand, and kick here to the curb. If she becomes another man’s wife but then he dislikes something about her (or he dies), her first husband isn’t allowed to take her
back. That would be abhorrent.

I notice, obviously, this is a one way deal. The man makes all the decisions. The woman can’t decide to kick her man to the curb. Have I mentioned yet that I prefer living today? I do.

OK, rapid fire – I may skip a few.

A newly married mans can’t go out with the army or any other such duty for one year. It’s nice that he can enjoy time with his wife get her pregnant and leave for battle right after the kid is born.

Don’t kidnap, enslave, or sell another Israelite or be put to death. Uh, the author misspelled “person”.

There are a couple laws here about showing respect for poor people. That means the people who take this book “literally” don’t actually follow these rules.

Parents won’t be put to death for their children or vice versa, but we’re still supposed be told we’re broken and dirty for something a dirt man and a rib woman did.

If you leave wheat or grapes in the field or vineyard, leave it for someone who might need it. Again, another law that not enough people follow.

Numbers Chapter 25

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There is no safe image I can put here

This chapter is a bit confusing to me. First, let me get it out of my system…the Israelites were staying at Shittim…tee hee. OK, that’s done. They were apparently boffing the Moabite women and then worshiping their gods, including Baal. This made God very angry and he told Moses to take the chiefs and impale them so that Israel can see just how angry He is.

This is where things get confusing and where a little extracurricular reading is necessary. The beginning of the next paragraph:

6Just then one of the Israelites came and brought a Midianite woman into his family, in the sight of Moses and in the sight of the whole congregation of the Israelites, while they were weeping at the entrance of the tent of meeting.

Bibles, Harper . NRSV Bible with the Apocrypha (p. 335). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

Midianite? Weren’t we talking about the Moabites? Well, here’s the thing, this chapter is a mashup of two different stories. I’m not a scholar and I’m not reading this as a scholar anyway, but there are plenty of great sources out there. I’ve linked to one below in Professor Joel Baden. His Twitter feed is full of commentary on the entire Torah. Anyway, back to the story.

Phinehas, grandson of Aaron grabbed a spear and impaled the Israelite and the Midianite (or Moabite, or whatever). At the end of the day, Moses and the chiefs killed twenty-four thousand people. This pleased the Lord and he granted Phinehas His covenant of peace.

God then tells Moses to harass the Midianites because they harassed the Israelites with trickery. Wait, weren’t we talking about the Moabites? I’m still confused and this chapter was disgusting at face value.

Anyway, here’s those links…

Joel Baden, Numbers 25: 1-5

Joel Baden, Numbers 25: 6-9

Joel Baden, Number 25: 10-18

Thoughts and Prayers

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It’s that time again. That time when God-fearing, gun-loving politicians send truckloads of Thoughts and Prayers to the families of mass shooting victims. I mean, they must have a huge Thoughts and Prayers budget to be able to send them so often in this country. I do have a question though, what are the families supposed to do with them? They can’t redeem to get their loved ones back. They can’t swallow them to help ease the pain of loss that comes from receiving the devastating news. So what are Thoughts and Prayers good for? Have they helped stop the next mass shooting? I haven’t seen much progress in the Thoughts and Prayers department, maybe you’re not doing it right.

Maybe you’re praying to the wrong God.

Have you tried Zeus? Odin? Thor? Krishna? Vishnu? Maybe an elder god? What about Neptune, the great god of the sea? How about Quetzalcoatl? He’s probably not doing much right now considering the Aztec culture is pretty much extinct. Maybe try creating some new gods to pray to. This was just a list of suggestions.

Maybe you’re missing a sign.

Perhaps you are praying to the right God, but he is trying to tell you something through the people around you. Maybe he’s speaking through the myriad voices who keep saying the same thing over and over when this type of thing happens. Maybe you’re just ignoring it.

Maybe your God just isn’t listening, or he just doesn’t care.

It’s quite possible that the God that got so angry about the evil in the world that he hit a big, wet reset button, just quit caring about this planet. Maybe he’d rather help people find their keys and the best parking spots.

Maybe you need to take some action for yourself.

God helps those that help themselves, right? I know it’s not in the Bible, but it’s such a popular maxim that I had to include it here. Anyway, try doing something for yourself and quit pleading with a cloud.

Maybe God doesn’t exist.

People keep praying and praying, but it’s as if the outcome is the same whether there is a god or not. In this case, read the point directly above this one.

By this time, after thousands in this country have lost their lives to gun violence, I think the last thing people want to hear out of their politicians are the words, “Thoughts and Prayers” and they would much rather see action. Those thoughts and prayers are not working because people are still dying from senseless acts of violence.

Unless…

…that’s what you’re praying for.

Numbers Chapter 20

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Is the God of the Old Testament petty? Well, after reading this section…yes.

Once again, the Israelites are mad at Moses and Aaron because they brought them out into the wilderness and there is no water. So they go off to the tent of meeting to tell God why the people are mad at them this time.

7The LORD spoke to Moses, saying: 8Take the staff, and assemble the congregation, you and your brother Aaron, and command the rock before their eyes to yield its water. Thus you shall bring water out of the rock for them; thus you shall provide drink for the congregation and their livestock.

Bibles, Harper . NRSV Bible with the Apocrypha (p. 324). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

Simple enough. Now let’s continue…

9So Moses took the staff from before the LORD, as he had commanded him. 10Moses and Aaron gathered the assembly together before the rock, and he said to them, “Listen, you rebels, shall we bring water for you out of this rock?” 11Then Moses lifted up his hand and struck the rock twice with his staff; water came out abundantly, and the congregation and their livestock drank.

Bibles, Harper . NRSV Bible with the Apocrypha (p. 324). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

There we go. Moses did the thing that resulted in the thing happening and now the people are happy. Let’s see what’s next…

12But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me, to show my holiness before the eyes of the Israelites, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land that I have given them.” 13These are the waters of Meribah, where the people of Israel quarreled with the LORD, and by which he showed his holiness

Bibles, Harper . NRSV Bible with the Apocrypha (p. 324). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

What? OK, it took me a couple times reading this through and then having to look up a scholarly explanation of this section. It turns out that because Moses hit the rock twice with his staff, it showed a lack of faith in God and, therefore, the Israelites won’t be allowed to take over the land of Canaan. Do I think God is petty in this case? YES!

So then the Israelites are refused passage through Edom in what sounds like it was probably a poem or the refrain of a song. They promise to stay on the King’s road, eyes forward, taking nothing, and looking at nothing. But the king threatens them with the sword. Then he shows them the sword. The Israelites turn and walk away.

Finally, Moses takes Aaron up to Mount Hor and is stripped of his vestments and they are given to his son Eleazar is. I guess means that he is now a high priest. Israel mourns for thirty days.

Numbers Chapter 16

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Three guys took a group of two hundred fifty Israelites to tell Moses that they were just as holy as everyone else in the congregation. Moses told them to prepare their censers with incense and gather at the tent of meeting when God will decide who is holy and who isn’t.

This is another chapter of repetition as the same things are repeated at least twice. The paragraphs following the order above is the action being carried out in the same amount of detail instead of the author saying, “and they did just that.” Is that easier? Maybe I’ll rewrite the Bible and call it the Plain, Everyday Language EditionTM.

Anyway, long story short, the two hundred fifty-three men show up armed with censers and are ready for a smoke-off with Aaron and Moses for God’s affection. Well, God already picked his winner and it’s Moses. The families and possessions of the families of the three men, including slaves and animals were swallowed up by the earth and sent down to Sheol alive.

I was reading another of the tracts that were sent to me by a SecretSatanTM and according to the author of that tract, Sheol is Hell. According to Hebrew scholars, it is not, it is sort of a (my term) waiting room for the dead. Guess which one I tend to believe more? (if you’re new here, the answer is the Hebrew scholar).

Continuing on, God isn’t done killing people. After the first wave of death, Eleazar gathered up the now holy censers and pounded them out as another decoration for the altar. This was to remind everyone that only a descendant of Aaron is permitted to offer incense to God. Well, the rest of the congregation didn’t like the fact that the earth opened and swallowed up all those people, so they let it be known. And God, who is a reasonable and thoughtful listener of complaints…who am I kidding? God started killing all of them until Aaron stepped between God and the congregation to make atonement for the people. Anyway, more than fourteen thousand died before Aaron could light up the censer. So I’m guessing that somewhere in the neighborhood of fifteen thousand people died in that chapter.